Alice in denial by George M. Fam
I can see her. Majestically, she walks across the room and playfully smiles as I slowly rise on the morrow of a familiar elated night. She gestures me to keep my silence for reasons unknown, but “Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin.” I comply with a cheeky
smile for she was my benign drug and I was about to get an orgasmic dose of her being. She throws something in my lap, a piece of paper, a carefully written one at that;
Let’s play the ultimate hide and seek. Let’s play music loud enough to destroy reality.
As she prepares the music with a surprisingly blank expression, sad even, I maintain my childish eagerness to catch her, to catch my life, my lover and my purpose.The melodies begin with a perfect single keyboard strike announcing the start. She swiftly vanishes while I smirk with the walls at her ironically melancholic musical choices. Minutes pass nonchalantly as my countdown to embrace resumes and ends.
“Very near yet
Very soft yet
I begin my adventure on treasure isle wherein beauty awaits me. Naturally relaxed, I float down the spiral flight of stairs, searching for she who left no traces.
Way out of here”
Suddenly, another piece of paper flies towards me and I pride myself in dodging the little mythical whiteness.
You’re not looking my love
There never was a start”
Inspired, I open the castle’s silver gate to gaze at the beautiful meadow with its greenery and tired roses laughing at my damaged memory for I had neglected their needs for mine.
It seems like mere moments in time, or rather, quick successive flashes and it.s time for
the sun to return proudly to its lair before it is timely summoned once
“I can hear it calling me
The way it used to do”
Disappointment from my feeble attempts coupled with the howling winds suggests that my search should logically be continued on the inside. My eye, it burns and I am forced to let tears flow seamlessly from my sight to my face to the floor as a 3rd note kisses my right pupil and raises questions about her proximity.
Yes I am close, I am near and will always be
My eyebrows are helplessly raised at the reasons beyond this ambiguously informative note but I choose to ignore the reasons, I refer back to my favourite addiction quote and I get on with my quest.
“Take this pill
It will make you feel dizzy
And then give you wings”
Where is she? I wonder. How come she leaves no sound to be traced? My nose reassures me that her scent is dominant but has she found the perfect hiding place? A 4th piece of text drops at my tired left foot to answer my final question of a single hideout.
Behind you, in your sight, under you, all over you, within you, I am.
How confusing. How enticing. Scary even.
“I see the bright lights
It’s the month of July
It’s violent here”
Hours pass, my thirst for her is yet to be quenched, my heartbeat picks up pace, my worries and questions begin to surface and a less important note to self is given about helping her clean up what looks like days. worth of dust and rust.
“Sing to me raven
I miss her so much
Sing to me Lily
I miss you so much”
Time passes even faster and I decide to break my vow of silence screaming; My love, this game has lost its zest, come and with a planted kiss on your lips, I.ll declare you the eternal winner and make love to your afresh, afresh, afresh until the morning sun. Her silence
You’re everywhere I go
It.s in everything I do”
I delve into our empty room that looks far darker than it was hours ago to calm my senses and wait for her to catch me before I forfeit to my demons. I sit at the precipice, my back is uncomfortably erect and I let myself drown steadily into wanderings in our past, in her
flawless hair, in her timeless figure and in her timidly sweet smile that forces her pink cheeks to glow red.
“This is the end
My only friend
The music brazenly ends. I turn on the lights and horrifically realize that both my eyes are still burning and my cheeks feel scarred by the constant stream of liquid pain that I had neglected.
It’s my mother in law sounding strangely frozen and morose. What is she saying? The language is foreign and her voice is trembling.
“And then you hear her voice
Cold and merciless
You worthless fool
You let her…”
She speaks and I am slowly learning the language. What is she on about? What is this madness? Last Goodbye? Am I okay? Ceremony? Funeral? 2 days ago? The earth?
This is not happening. This is a joke that is not remotely amusing. The mother cries violently when I ask her if she knows where my love is hiding. I smash the telephone in wrath and in dismay I rush outside to grab what.s left of my sanity, an old and battered
<Terrible plane crash ravages the skies of Cairo>
HAHA! HAHAHAHA! 2 days ago….
Now I see.
Now I see her again.
My life, My lover and My purpose.
I open my arms.
Welcome ashen oblivion.
Pink Floyd – Echoes
The doors – When the music.s over
Porcupine Tree – Way out of here
Opeth – Closure
Led Zeppelin – Babe I.m gonna leave you
Blackfield – End of the world
Katatonia – July
Steven Wilson – The raven that refused to sing
Anathema – Universal
The doors – The end
Ayreon – Day Twelve: Trauma